i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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