roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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