who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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