Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
