if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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