My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
