Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
