if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
