the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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