When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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