i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
