i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
