We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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