there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
