I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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