If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
