I cannot find my penis.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
