Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
