The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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