I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
