Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Life is so much better after having sex.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
