I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
