My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
