I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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