The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
