I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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