i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
