What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
