Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
