i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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