I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
