i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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