i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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