I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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