but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
