We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
