The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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