I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
