Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
