I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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