I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
