If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
