I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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