Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
