Yo dont text me then not text me
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
