So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
