Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
