she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
