Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
