I hate all girls vehemently.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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