this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
