hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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