the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the liver wants what the liver wants
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
