I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
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an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
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Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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