All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
