It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
